Snow in the desert

No matter how many times I tell my three year old that the Pilbara is only likely to get snow during the next ice age, or in a parallel universe, or when the proverbial freezes over, she continues to ask when it’s going to arrive.

Maybe you’ve got the answer. I mean, if you're going to live in a desert which does a good job of flowing with money, palm trees which gather flies and eggs which fry themselves on the road, then why not snow as well? 


It's the Pilbara. Anything's bloody possible!

Frosty

Whatdya mean Karratha?

Or…grrr… not Newman too?!

Not getting’ me to Panna

Or Para-what? Paraburdoo!

Get stuffed, have to pay me,

An awful lot for sure,

Cause you’re not getting me to Wickham

Or Samson or Roebourne, what’s more.

I’m on the tightest schedule,

You know I am the man?

I’m sure that you do realise

That heat’s not in my plan.

So nup. That’s a no to Hedo.

A no to Port South.

A no to outback Warralong

And Jigalong – read my mouth!

So… that’s what happened at Christmas,

When Santa outsourced himself

And subcontracted all his talents,

Reindeer, wife and elf.

You see, he’d had a big night out

At an early Christmas party

And done his back with a big fair whack

And boompf! Weren’t feeling hearty.

“I do not want to give this up,

My duty to mankind,

But alas, I’ve sent out forms for

Application, if you mind.”

Just like one bloke he’d wrangled

For, well, double the overtime rates -

A friend of a cousin who had a friend

Who was friends with someone’s mate,

So, the north west heat of WA

Got stuck with a bloke named Frosty

Who was, funnily enough, with a carrot nose stuck

And in scarves looked rather bossy

I know, a snowman really sucks

For delivering to the desert

So up in the greatest north north west

They prayed for, (what else?) a blizzard.

And lordy be on Christmas Eve

With Santa workers compo

The god or gods or angels or stars

Must have thought they’d just gone bonkers, 

that 30 000 hot sweaty folk

Who all loved cyclones and sun

Were still praying hard on the 24^th

For a fierce snow storm to come.

And lo and behold on Christmas Day

It was snowing in the Pilbara skies

And Frosty did his job for Santa Claus

And we all ate hot mince pies. 

Shower leaks, roof leaks and WikiLeaks. Yup. Everything leaks!




From the 24 News Desk, Southbank, Melbourne...

 

 Making headlines...


International news of the year was that Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga and Sarah Murdoch all managed to make doofuses of themselves, to a greater or lesser degree. Of the three, I would invariably choose to be Sarah, as I am neither fond of dressing in wagyu beef nor donning my fingernails with the phrase 'f**k u' in order to be witty. I'm sure in some world, LiLo thought she was...And, like Sarah, one day at some function large or small, I am bound to be the one standing in front of a bunch of people embarrassing myself despite my best intentions. Indeed, this is the stuff of poetry and I applaud anyone who does it with flair and grace.

None of this made headlines in north West WA though, except that, by the end of it, there was an awful lot of mopping up to do!

Happy 2011 all! Thanks to the gang at ABC North West and the Pilbara Echo for all your support and may there be more embarrassments, sillinesses and stuff ups for everyone next year so I might continue to find fodder for this happy foolishness!


EverythingLeaks


A beer and a cheer for a Happy New Year!
were the words that were slowly spoke
by the guy near the log with his gumboots and frog,
yes, a flustered and feral young bloke.

His hair was crusty, clothing musty
his eyes drooped with sandbags hung
with stoic aplomb sinking on and on
like the folds of old cow dung.

This Andrew Collins nibbled stale stollen,
pondered on life here.
Taking time out from his soggy plight
to reflect on a whopper of a year.

Lindsay Lohan lost the plot and
finally had to go dry.
But it couldn’t compare to Marble Bar,
which ran out of beer, oh my!

Melbourne Cup ran hot to trot
with silks and ladies in hats,
but Pannawonica’s rodeo iconica
starred a wild OLD chap.

At seventy six, Jack had the tricks
to ride ‘em hard and mighty.
With his big, wide brim, he rode like sin
and the crowds went wild, alrighty.

Lady Gaga dressed in meat from her head
to her teetering toes.
But she’d nothing on those trucks which run
into beasts wand’ring out on the roads.

Sarah Murdoch looked like a right chook
reading the wrong model’s name.
But at Pilbara Girl, we were all in a whirl
when Synarrah Murphy’s came.

And Canberra scored a “strine PM”
with Kevin and Tony piffed,
but Karratha got a regional cabernet
and you should have copped a whiff.

Of plans for Pilbara Cities,
like London, Paris and Roma
or at least a new gate or at any rate
a brand new garden gnome.

And Julia showed us her fancy hair
which never ever seemed to relax,
but we pricked up our ears and jiggled our rears
when she fiddled with the mining tax.

And with Julia red as a blister,

you’d think HER the colour hog,
but WE had the red dirt festival
and in Dampier, the star - Red Dog!

NZ had the Bledisloe
which went pretty fast yo bro’.
But the Newman guys they took the prize
for the Cup that was pretty bloody slow.

And twiddling thumbs for decades
since Joan in ’75,
Hedland, cool, got its hospital,
so now if we’re sick, we’ll thrive.

Just in time for our summer clime
and the rain La Niña was bringing
and it poured and it drowned and it sloshed all around
‘til Carnarvon was hardly singing.

And he thought about the weather,
the craziest thing of all,
with forty degrees and irukandjis,
oh boy, they have a gall.

And Muddle, fuddle, sitting in his puddle,
sun beating down on his brow,
with his umbrella up and his dacks in the mud
Andrew’s brain was frazzled now.

And finding some shade he flicked on the radio

and listened to the news of the day,

with Julian Assange and his radical plan

for dobbing in pollies, but hey,

Andrew thought, well, funny that,
as the rain brewed again in our zone,

forget WikiLeaks, here it’s EverythingLeaks…

and with his year mopped up, went home.

© Elise Batchelor December 31st 2010